meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
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