Where is the hickey?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
