Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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