i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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