So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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