my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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