you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
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