Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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