Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
