Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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