Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
