Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
