He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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