I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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