I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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