Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
