It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
