i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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