idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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