I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
