I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize
