Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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