I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
