I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize