my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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