Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
