i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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