I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
