don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Randomize
