Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
You left your phone here
Wait...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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