Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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