So drunk its hurt
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
