Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
