In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Randomize
