I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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