I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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