Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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