apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
