did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
