have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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