the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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