Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Randomize
