Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
