Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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