If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
