her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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