its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's rum buckets o'clock
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
