the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
