I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize