listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
