checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I said "one day" and that day is not today
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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