I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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