hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Randomize
