I just pynch a tree in the face
If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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