Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
