and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize