If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
