I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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