Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
